All We Know of Heaven
by Prospero Hibiki
Summary: My life isn't what it used to be, but then time does that to a man. Even men who aren't all the time, or aren't necessarily men any longer. But still sometimes, when the loneliness is too much to handle, I long for that which I cannot have...
1. Chapter 1

All We Know of Heaven A Ranma ½ Fanfiction By Prospero Hibiki The Grandmaster Mongoose God of Misdirection, Caffeine, and Those Socks You Lost Last Tuesday  
  
hell_frost@hotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
Were I anything but a poor college student I would ... well I don't know what would happen since I doubt that this situation will change in the foreseeable future except if I fail out of said college. As it is I'm not making any money off of these characters and any character that you don't recognize from Takahashi Rumiko's Ranma ½ series is mine. And the truly sad thing is I'm not even making money off of them. Also the use of the poem "My Life Closed Twice Before Its Close" by Emily Dickinson is being used without permission though it is being credited and used in its original unedited form.  
  
And So It Begins  
  
***  
  
Chapter 1:  
  
I'd kill myself if I could. Yeah, I know that's not what anyone would expect from a person like me, but that doesn't make it any less true. Oh I can imagine a million different ways of doing it. Razors down the forearm are the one I think of most often though. It's sad, because I doubt that that would even work if I could try it. I can't of course which is something that makes me want to cry. I can grab the razor. I can hold it to my skin. I can press until I am just this side of drawing blood. And then my arm locks up and I can't go any further. Actually that's a lie. I can do anything except draw my own blood at that point. It's funny that way. Whatever keeps me alive seems to know what actions would cause my intentional death. I can open a vein to start an emergency transfusion, but I when it gets to the point where it's dangerous my hand flashes out and stops the bleeding without my willing it. Even casually walking though a munitions test sight doesn't work because my advanced senses scream when danger is near and since ignoring them would be the same as suicide I'm always saved.  
  
I've fought enemy after enemy, hoping and praying that one of them will be manage to kill me, but those same reflexes that prevent suicide force me to fight my absolute best so as not to let that happen. God, I hate it. I could once cockily boast that Ranma Saotome always wins. Now I admit to it when I'm drunk in the hopes that someone would take it as a challenge and finish me off. Stupid Drunken Boxing. Booze is the only vice I'm allowed. Drugs are out cause I've always thought of them as suicide. I don't think I need to say that sleeping around with diseased women has crossed my mind, but it's never happened since I can feel the sicknesses coming off them.  
  
I think the closest I ever came to death was the time of the Martian Plague. I worked unsuited in the most hazardous area day and night for a week straight with no food or rest. It was my hope that I could wear myself out enough that my aura wouldn't be able to keep the virus away from me any longer. I passed out with a smile on my face. Waking up three days later was pure hell. They'd cured the damn thing almost as soon as I passed out and some idiot pointed out my hard work and inoculated me against it as soon as they could. They gave me a medal because of it. It was all I could do not to shove it up the guy's ass.  
  
My identity card's gotten pretty impressive in the years since. I haven't bothered to change my name because frankly I don't give a shit if anyone finds out about my unusually long life. More power to them if they want to study me. I won't let them take me alive though. Hell, maybe I'll tell them that if they want to live forever all they have to do is kill me. I'd love for someone to just pump gas into a room that I can't get out of, though just what such a room would consist of is beyond me. That's what's so disgusting about it all. The longer I'm alive the less likely it is that I'll croak. I can't give up the martial arts anymore than I could give up surviving, and trust me when I say I've tried. Not breathing that is. I've found breathing isn't really necessary for my life anymore. I guess my skin just takes in whatever oxygen I need or something. How do I know this? I held my breath for three days and nothing happened. Didn't even feel lightheaded. Only stopped cause some kid saw me doing and looked like he was going to pass out copying me. That and I was getting bored forcing my diaphragm not to contract or expand.  
  
When did I notice I couldn't kill myself? Good question. I'd say it was probably a year after Akane's funeral. Yeah, she died when she got mugged one night. Got caught from behind with a lead pipe. Probably never knew what hit her. After that everything just started to go down hill. Life was pretty shitty at that point. I don't really know what happened to everyone else because I was pretty messed up. One day I just came out of it. The Nekohaten was closed, looked like it had been for weeks. So was Ucchan's. No one would tell me what had happened to everyone. Was really weird. I went to the grave, Akane's grave, with my tanto and tried to slit my arms. Couldn't do it of course. That's when I knew. I left then. Didn't bother changing my name, though I don't know if I'm still on the Saotome register, or even if there is a Saotome register anymore. Probably not, since it's been over half a millenium since then.  
  
Only people I know about are Ryoga and Akari. They got married before Akane died. Akari died in her eighties, and Ryoga followed her after getting his affairs in order. I wasn't there of course. One of his great- grandsons told me. Apparently I'm something of a Hibiki family legend. Seems Ryoga stuck me on his register as a distant cousin that's not in line for being the head of the clan. I run across a Hibiki every dozen years or so, sometimes more often. Seems their sense of direction's gotten much better over time. So good that they've got the fastest transgalactic shipping service available. It's said that if you want to know how to get somewhere as quick as possible you can search the galaxy, find a Hibiki, and still make it there quicker than if you'd tried to do it yourself. No one ever gets it when I start to laugh.  
  
Yeah, the Clan Hibiki is about as close to a family as I've got now, which is pretty sad since my first encounter with them lead to a constant stream of fights before we got things settled. Still it's kind of good knowing that I have family of a sort out there in the galaxy. They still practice the Art too, which means that if I ever manage to kick the bloody bucket, that the Art won't die off with me. Not that I'd particularly care if it did. I really just want to die, and I doubt that I'd let something like that stop me if I ever got the chance.  
  
"Do you have anything to declare, sir?" I'd forgotten that I've been waiting in line for customs at this space station for almost an hour now. It seems they're at a heightened state of security right now. Besides it should be pretty obvious that I don't have much on me. Heck I don't even carry a backpack anymore. Hmmmm. "Sir, I asked if you have anything to declare."  
  
"Only that I intend to destroy this station and everyone on it in the next few hours unless you can kill me before I can do so." It's fairly obvious that this man is bored since he almost waves me through the line despite having said this. I'm guessing though that it was the sudden charging of the security forces' pulse weapons that got his attention. Suddenly looking around me I find that I have more space than I've had in the twenty days it took for us to reach the Kantars System from Magnizard IV. Refreshing really. I was hoping that the rumors of an underground fighting tournament on Kantars III were true, but I might not have to go that far in order to get myself killed. "Oops. Did I say that out loud?" My fellow passengers seem to have backed away even further at that comment, strange because at least one of them seems to be a Berimian and I've never seen one of them back away from a fight. Besides there's only...fifteen men in combat suits with pulse rifles.  
  
A man with some sort of rank emblem, local I assume, is stepping forward. "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to place your appendages behind wherever your central nervous system is located, and remain still. Any sudden movements will be seen as a hostile act and will result in a lethal barrage." The speech is incredibly polite despite being backed up with over a dozen weapons. Still I wonder what he's been dealing with recently that makes him respond in such a manner. I mean really! Appendages? Central nervous system? Sheesh! All he should have said is, "Place your hands on your head, and stay put, or we'll shoot."  
  
"Well, sonny boy, I don't think you've enough men to stop me from doing whatever I want." Man, Khu Lon was right, this does manage to piss people off much more than blatant insults would. "But don't worry, I'll wait for you to call for reinforcements. I'd hate for you to screw this up by acting before you're ready." Geez, I think the vein on this guy's forehead is about to explode! That can't be at all good for him at his age. But I can understand it. I mean here I am looking to be twenty at the most, calling him a child when he looks to be almost forty, though he's undoubtedly older than that with whatever extend treatments he's had. Still I think I've had the intended effect, because his finger looks like it's about to completely curl around the trigger. Sure I can dodge whatever shot he makes, but whether or not I can dodge all of the rest of the shots that'll follow when his companions open fire is the real question. Especially since I know I'll jump in front of any stray shots that head towards any bystanders. Really not a bad plan if I do say so myself.  
  
"Stop! Don't shoot. He doesn't intend to fight back." Well it wasn't a bad plan and it might have worked if this girl wasn't running down the hall screaming her head off. Whoever she is it seems that she's got some pull with the soldiers because they are backing off slightly. She's not very old, well compared to me no one is, around twenty or so with a pale blue shade of hair, something that's become more common since man's started to live in space and on other planets. Still I do kind of wonder how she knew I wasn't going to do anything. I mean I don't think I've met her before, and she doesn't have a Hibiki build, especially since she's almost out of breath running from wherever she was.  
  
"Are you sure?" It's Mr. Twitchy again. He still seems pretty pissed off, but only at me and he's not mad enough to shoot me, damnit!  
  
"Yes, in fact he's disappointed that you aren't going to shoot him." My head whips around to look at her again, this time to carefully memorize her face. I know what she is now. She's a telepath, or minder as they're more commonly called.  
  
I watch her as she focuses in on my face. Waiting until she's devoting all of her attention on me I then do the surge and block trick I developed when I first started to encounter minders over two centuries ago. "Stay the fuck out of my mind!" I knew it's worked when she's knocked back almost a foot from being shoved out of my mind. I know that she couldn't read my memories since those are almost totally blocked off from people like her, and she couldn't have gotten in so deep in the few minutes she had. Hell, the most powerful minders needed my active assistance to get that deep and even then it took hours. "You had no right to do that. No right at all." I reduce the block around my mind the slightest bit and create the image of a mind being stripped of all of its secrets bit by bit until it's nothing but a quivering pile of never ending pain. It's cruel of me, I know, but it doesn't change the way I feel about people picking through my head. I can tell she's gotten the hint when tears start to come to her eyes. I learned a long time ago that what I've just shown her is the one thing that almost all minders fear.  
  
I'm actually kind of proud of Mr. Twitchy, because he's immediately gone back to an even higher state of rage. If he were trained any I'd almost guarantee that he'd be producing a battle aura in the deep reds of fury. "If you've hurt Mika, no being in this galaxy will be able to prevent me from killing you."  
  
"Bah, if you ever decide to hunt me down I hope you bring enough men to get the job done." Shrugging my muscles out of the slightly tensed state my reflexes put them in I start to walk through the group of soldiers. "If there's nothing else I'm going to head off and find something to eat. If any of you want to pick a fight when you're off duty, look me up." I wonder what the hell is going on here when no one starts to follow me. I mean really. Who the hell lets a person that has threatened to destroy the space station go on his way especially after knocking the resident minder on her, admittedly cute, ass. Who knows though? Maybe they're gathering up more men so they can ambush me while I get some food. Yeah, that'd be nice. I start a nice daydream where I'm surrounded by armor-enhanced troops by the hundred each armed with nuclear weapons. Shaking myself out of the dream I look around and only one thought comes to mind, eerily appropriate since I'm currently on the Hibiki register.  
  
"Where on Earth am I now?!"  
  
~~~  
  
Damn this station is much larger on the inside than I thought it would be. It feels like I've been wandering around here for hours. My stomach was killing me too. Sure, I can get by without food, but I actually like eating. Finally though I got around to finding a place that serves food...of a sort. It looks sort of like, no never mind that third wing rules that possibility out. Whatever it is it tastes kind of like chicken. Then again everything tastes a little bit like chicken. Heck the only thing that I've found that doesn't taste like chicken at all is Altarian chicken which tastes, oddly enough, like beef.  
  
Lifting my personal set of chopsticks once more I signal to the host that I'd like another platter of...whatever it is. He's been really accommodating really, especially since he got a look at my account balance. Boy do I love anisible powered credit networks. Wherever I go I have money for food. It's great.  
  
After the fifth order I figure that I've had enough to last me a while and finish the credit transfer making sure to leave a sizable tip. Hopefully I'll be able to eat here again before I leave because the food was pretty good, better than a lot of the stuff I've had over the course of my life. Still, I need to find a place to stay for the night and see about catching a ride down to the planet in order to dig up any information I can about this tournament.  
  
The girl at the hotel gives me a discount, partly because I think she's got the hots for me, which doesn't particularly bother me. Means that I'll have a more comfortable room than I would have if I'd been some fat, old businessman. Well, fat at least. Still I'm kind of wondering if she's going to try to sneak into the room late at night. For some reason that's the impression I got of her though I only had the fact she actually started to unbutton her shirt all the way as an indication. Still I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to place an end table in front of the door.  
  
It actually took much less time to get a room than I thought it would since I didn't have to dodge the authorities left and right. Something seems really off about that too. I mean sure, I know that I'm not going to blow up the station, and the minder knows it so theoretically the station security thugs know it too. But then again I knocked the minder on her ass without even touching her and then made her break out into tears after antagonizing over a dozen men with guns. Either no one's particularly concerned over this or there's something much more important going on that's keeping people from coming after me. So of course I'm just dying to find out what it is. People always say curiosity killed the cat. Well I certainly hope so.  
  
Something tells me that whatever's going on isn't that far ahead. The whole barricaded area that almost continuously has armed men and women moving in and out in a hurry. I'd say that not even a fly could get through there without brushing up against one of them. I of course managed to do so without anyone even knowing I'd been there. Just to amuse myself I go back and forth several more times each using a different technique. It's amazing just how many of them I've picked up over the years now that I think about it. Tradition tends to make me prefer the Umi-Sen-Ken although the Ghost Walk is actually more efficient. But efficiency's overrated anyway. Damnit, I'm eight hundred and sixty something years old, and if I want to be inefficient then I'll be inefficient. Anyone who says different can sit on it and rotate.  
  
Pushing these thoughts aside I continue to make my way towards what seems to be the center of the disturbance. Oddly enough I'm not that surprised to run into Mr. Twitchy once more. Of course this time he's not in his body armor so I can make out the nametag on his uniform. Major Alirnbia. I think I preferred Mr. Twitchy; at least I could pronounce that. The minder chick's with him too, Mila or Muka or whatever he called her. Damn, at times like this I really wish I had a better memory for names. And there it is, the centerpiece of the disturbance, a little girl, no older than nine, with her hand wrapped around the trigger of ... "Holy shit! It's a transnucleic null space modifier! I haven't seen one of these things in years. One of those puppies can turn whoever's holding it into the next best thing to a black hole. How come everyone but me manages to get a hold of one?" It occurs to me that the tension in the room has just jumped by exponents of infinity. "Oh, sorry. I guess you're busy. I'll come back later."  
  
An enormous bellow rings out through the room. "Seize that man!" All around me the guards are standing dumbfounded at how I managed to get to where I am which allows me to prepare to evade them. Not that I couldn't do so without being prepared, but some of them might get hurt if I did it that way. As it the four of them go down before they start to approach me somewhat warily.  
  
It's great! I haven't realized how much I've missed these random brawls where no ones trying to kill anyone. I put a little bit of effort into looking as relaxed as possible aided with the yawn I let surface. I cover my mouth with one hand and redirect the actions of two of the men, oops, the man and woman, into the paths of two additional people. Now I start to make a show of hopping around on one foot while placing a hand behind my back. The three men seem infuriated, but I've caught just a hint of a smile on the woman's face. Turning to face her I grin back. She lashes out with a rather sloppy forward punch and I dodge it like before, absently redirecting the other three attacks. "No, no, no! Use all of your body to throw the punch, like this." I make a quick punch that goes straight through her defenses missing her face by such a small margin I can see her hair get pulled slightly by the wind of it's passage. "Did you see it? Good, now you try." My left foot twitches out and knocks away one of the others as I watch her form. "Better, but you're not fast enough to do it all at once. Take it one step at a time." I throw a punch so slow that I complete a whole cycle of breathing as it goes out and back. She didn't even move this time just stood and watched it. "Get it that time?"  
  
"I think so." She throws a punch, and it flows so beautifully I almost want to cry.  
  
"Great! Now try the other arm."  
  
Mr. Twitchy's gravely voice comes from behind me. "If you're quite finished, Lt. Max, I'd like to talk with our ... guest."  
  
Lt. Max has paled now. I've got to learn her full name. It's just so rare that I get to have fun like that. Besides it's not very fair for her to get blamed for things that are my fault. All she did was get pulled into it. It's happened to me tons of times. "Hey, what's your name? Maybe we can get together later on for some sparring? It's been decades since I've had this much fun." The heat coming from behind me has picked up a few degrees. I think Mr. Twitchy's getting real close to developing a battle aura all on his own. I turn to face him, not in the least bit surprised that the vein on his forehead is even larger than it was earlier in the day. Some people just have no patience. "What if I don't want to talk to you? I really don't see any way you can make me. Sure, you could just bring in more and more people until you can't squeeze anyone else in, but by that time I'd probably be gone or hanging from the ceiling out of reach. Besides I'd much rather talk to either Lt. Max here..."  
  
"Laura."  
  
"I turn, slightly startled at being interrupted. "I beg your pardon?"  
  
"My name's Laura." She's blushing now at having all of the attention of the room concentrated on her once again.  
  
"It's a very pretty name. You don't run into it as often as you used to." Turning back to Mr. Twitchy, "Laura or the rather confused little girl holding onto the transnucleic null space modifier. If you want to talk to me that badly, do what everyone else does, and make an appointment with my secretary. We'll do lunch."  
  
Heh, heh, heh. The Saotome School of Martial Arts Discordia strikes again. I'm almost tempted to bow and give myself a round of applause at everyone's stunned expression. Resisting the temptation I weave my way through the crowd of frozen people and plop myself down in front of the little girl.  
  
"Hello. I'm Ranma, what's your name?" I can feel my eyebrow twitch slightly when her hand jerks in surprise. I might be suicidal, but turning this little girl into a miniature black hole, something that would be fatal to her as well as everyone else on the station, strikes me as a rather selfish way to go. It's just my luck to run across something that could kill me that I'll end up having to destroy. Again.  
  
"Okay, you don't have to tell me your name if you don't want. No one's going to force you. But it'd be just plain rude to refer to you as, the girl. Wouldn't it?" I'm somewhat relieved when I get a tentative nod. "So I'm going to pick something. Something appropriate. Can't be a boy's name though, right? No, that'd be wrong. But nothing too frilly either. Bunny and Sweety and Darling are definitely out."  
  
There's a general snickering from behind me. I wonder if someone tried to call her one of those names. No, there's no way this child's one of those. She's in coveralls with scuffed and patched knees, the pockets showing heavy signs of use from storing things. But just the same they are good quality ones of the sort that I'd choose to use to work in so my good clothes wouldn't get ruined. No, this girl is more likely to be helping out her parents at work than playing with dolls, and enjoying every minute of it, to boot. Electrical equipment comes to mind though I don't know why. I'm probably picking up hints from minor details that don't really come to the surface of my mind. Happens a lot really.  
  
If she weren't here clutching the activator as if it were the last thing in the world, I'd see her able to support herself in seven or eight more years by the time she's sixteen. In a sudden moment of supreme clarity, I can see everything. There was an accident. Both of her parents, or the only one she had left, were killed. She's scared. Doesn't know what to do. Sure she could be on her own in a few years but not yet. Nothing makes sense. She's all alone now. Confused. And now here she is. It's all true, or something like it is. Abandoned at so young an age.  
  
"Ucchan. Yes, Ucchan's a good name. She was my best friend when I was younger than you. You remind me a lot of her. I think you'll turn out much like she did. Though without being chased by cross dressers." I shake my head at the though that can still make me smile after all this time. "I swear every guy who ever entered her life romantically was really confused about his gender. But that's another story and none of it was her fault. No, she was a great friend if a little bit quick with a spatula when I put my foot in my mouth. Great cook too. Ran her own restaurant by the age of sixteen, one of the most popular in town too. Her story's really confusing though. Still she'd be proud for me to call you Ucchan."  
  
Moving over next to her, not making any motions towards the transnucleic null space modifier, I lean against the same wall as she is. I could just reach out and take it from her but it'd be pretty meaningless for me to do so. She has to want to put it down or we'll end up doing this again sometime. I hold back a chuckle at the thought of me trying to come up with a reason for her not to kill herself. Irony strikes me pretty heavily at times like these. I shrug it off and give myself another reason. Sure I could always disarm it but there's always the chance that she could set if off before I can. As I recall these things have the lightest switch I've ever seen on, well anything.  
  
I sigh. "I'm bored. Want to hear a story?" I can see Mr. Twitchy almost fall on his face, and I glare when I see the minder standing there behind him give me a small nod. I'd forgotten that she was here, and I flare my aura enough so that she can't read the 'Ucchan's' thoughts. I don't know exactly what's happened with her, but whatever it is she deserves her privacy until she decides to talk about it. 'Ucchan' nods ever so slightly and I launch myself into the story of Ryoga's bread duel, getting a small giggle from her, which she immediately cuts off with a glare at me. The other people in the room aren't nearly so restrained as the regular soldiers break out into loud guffaws.  
  
"Mock glaring at them, I protest. "It's true! Every word is true. When he showed up on the forth day," I pause giving the laughter a chance to clear out, "he swore he'd find me for running out on our duel. He followed me from Japan all over China and back. Sure he probably made a few detours through Europe and Africa on the way, but what can you say? He eventually caught up with me and Pops at this valley deep in the Chinese wilderness. What happened there is another story." I place my hand behind my head slightly embarrassed about even bringing Jusenkyo up. "Besides it wasn't exactly one of my greatest moments, and the Hibiki family wouldn't thank me for spreading what happened around."  
  
Everyone's staring at me now. I could swear that for just an instant I heard a Capan cricket chirp in the silence. "What? You don't believe me do you? You don't think the Hibiki clan always had the galaxy's best sense of direction do you? They really had to work on it. Besides I still don't think they go in straight lines. Half the time I think they just end up where they want to go after getting lost." Seeing that still no one believes me I fold my arms over each other and start to sulk. No one ever believes me when I tell the truth. Or when I lie for that matter. Life sucks.  
  
I perk up slightly when I see someone bringing in some fruit and start passing it around. I hold up two fingers and, when she sees no one else is going to do anything, Laura throws me two apples getting a glare from the minder in the process. I offer one to 'Ucchan' but she shakes her head as if suspicious. I'm momentarily at a loss since I don't want to eat if she isn't going to. Making a show of shrugging I place them both in my lap even though they look really good. Really, really good. From the reactions from the security personnel they must taste pretty good too. It's not fair.  
  
I've almost brought one of them up to my lips before I notice and stop. Picking up the other one I start to juggle it so I'm not tempted. It doesn't work so I start to go faster and faster, forcing me to put more and more concentration into keeping them in the air and not on eating them. It's only two so I have to go really fast before I'm distracted enough. Looking up I see that I now have everyone's attention including 'Ucchan'. I slow down once more and keep the speed at a level where everyone can see the apples clearly. I concentrate and a miniature ball of ki appears in my hands getting added to the act. I can almost hear the mass blink. I start to make the pattern more complicated now that I have a third object. I take a second while everything's in the air to actually roll both of my sleeves up. A quick flick of one of my wrists and I've added a second ball of ki to the mix.  
  
It's very difficult to do what I'm doing right now. Sure I have an incredible ability to work with ki, but the concentration that is required to both keep a ball from dispersing and to change the direction with my hands is so far beyond what I learned as a teenager that it would boggle the mind. I've actually never tried to do something like this with more than one and to my surprise, for every ball I add the strain isn't multiplied but rather squared. Still I think this is the way I'll end up getting to 'Ucchan' since her face shows she's been captured by the movements of the apples and balls.  
  
Slowly I spread my hands further and further apart until each hand is separately juggling one apple and one ball. I concentrate some more and each hand receives an additional ball of ki at precisely the same instant. I can feel sweat starting to accumulate on my brow at the strain. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up. Still it'll be worth it from the look of awe on 'Ucchan's' face. I was right earlier. Once I grabbed her curiosity I'd won. Now that I think about it she's a great deal like Ukyo in that respect.  
  
"Really cool isn't it?" I chuckle slightly when she nods vigorously. "I can teach you how to do this if you want. Do you want to learn this?" Getting another nod I smile. "I don't teach just anyone you know. It's going to be a lot of work cause I'm a tough teacher. It also mean's you're going to have to give me that thing you're holding because it's really dangerous. I'm probably the only person old enough to remember when one of those things went off and it wasn't very pretty."  
  
'Ucchan' nods in acquiescence and starts to hand me the transnucleic null space modifier when it all of a sudden gives off a rather loud beep that startles everyone in the room. I simply shrug despite the fact that my heart is now beating in the high nineties something extremely rare considering how well my body has been conditioned over the centuries. I remember reading about these things and how they would beep one minute before they would detonate. "Well shit. That's just about ruined everyone's day." Motioning for 'Ucchan' to keep holding on to it I move until I'm facing her and the device ignoring the growing panic around me. "Now 'Ucchan' I want you to be perfectly still no matter what happens, okay?" She nods and immediately freezes. Taking a deep breath I move.  
  
During my travels I've perfected a great many techniques for a great many things and have constantly worked on perfecting existing techniques. Because of this some of my most powerful techniques are those that I learned during my youth. The chestnut fist is one of them. Over time I have managed to push further and further into the realm of superhuman feats to the point where my body has traveled several times faster than that of sound. It is quite draining however and at high speeds my control leaves a great deal to be desired. In this case though I need great speed and great accuracy while still keeping my body slow enough that the air turbulence doesn't jar the delicate electronics inside the device while I systematically tear it apart. It's going to be a race really between my hands and fingers and whatever signals the device needs to send in order to put this little girl into the ultimate heavyweight category. Since I know that I'm working off of a barely half remembered plan of something I once read over a century ago, I'm not exactly feeling my most confident at the moment.  
  
I'm kind of amused that some people are obviously still watching me since their gasps come just after my hands start to blur. I'm sucking in huge amounts of air in the vain attempt to keep enough oxygen in my system to prevent my muscles from burning from the anaerobic conditions. Now is not the time to have shaky hands. Almost faster than I can see I've taken off the outer casing of the device and before it had fallen more than an inch had pulled out at least a dozen vital components after cutting them cleanly off using fractional ki blades projected from my index fingers. Still I don't let myself slow down, working my way deeper and deeper into the electronics. 'Ucchan' is doing her best to stay still though I can tell she's scared and I'm actually fairly proud. I take a second to hit a pressure point on her hand making her release the device and continue to disassemble it as it falls to the ground. In the instant just before it strikes the metal I find what I suspected was there along and swear loudly. One of my hands reaches out and bats the small but powerful explosive charge into the most empty corner and throw a ki blast followed by an air pressure wave mixed with a vacuum barrier. Just before they hit I wonder what exactly that combination of effects will do. It's definitely been a day for improvisation.  
  
The ki blast detonates after passing the explosive setting it off. Fortunately for all of us inside the room, the vacuum barrier and air pressure wave cancel out the pressure wave from the explosion, as I must have thought they would. The earlier blast seems to have redirected all the force outwards preventing the much larger explosive blast from causing a hull breach. Damn, am I good or what? I did all of that without even really thinking about it, my subconscious having calculated the stress levels and pressure variables instantly while my body simply carried its instructions out perfectly. This is the sort of thing I used to live for, the feeling of everything coming together perfectly without conscious thought. I stand up and stretch my arms above my head and yawn. I'm pretty tired really. I haven't used that much energy in ages. Besides I haven't gotten to sleep yet since arriving on this stupid station.  
  
Looking around I see that everyone is looking at me with awe in their faces. "You can all breathe now, the danger's passed." As if on cue everyone takes a deep breath. I shrug away the though and take a step forward, cursing slightly when I wobble. I really must have overdone it. Steadying myself I take another step and am surprised when my foot doesn't support me properly. I'm falling forwards and my arms aren't responding to my commands to break my fall. As everything goes gray I hear voices start to shout around me.  
  
"Seize him!"  
  
"Wait!"  
  
Oh boy. Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to wake up on my bed in the hotel room I rented for the week?  
  
~~~  
  
"My life closed twice before its close-- It yet remains to see If Immortality unveil A third event to me  
  
So huge, so hopeless to conceive As these that twice befell. Parting is all we know of heaven, And all we need of hell."  
  
--Emily Dickinson 


	2. Chapter 2

All We Know of Heaven A Ranma ½ Fanfiction By Prospero Hibiki The Grandmaster Mongoose God of Misdirection, Caffeine, and Those Socks You Lost Last Tuesday  
  
hell_frost@hotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
Were I anything but a poor college student I would ... well I don't know what would happen since I doubt that this situation will change in the foreseeable future except if I fail out of said college. As it is I'm not making any money off of these characters and any character that you don't recognize from Takahashi Rumiko's Ranma ½ series is mine. And the truly sad thing is I'm not even making money off of them. Also the use of the poem "My Life Closed Twice Before Its Close" by Emily Dickinson is being used without permission though it is being credited and used in its original unedited form.  
  
And So It Begins  
  
***  
  
Chapter 2:  
  
"Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored." Sitting around locked inside a force cage was not how I'd wanted to spend this trip, but it seemed to be what I had. It probably wouldn't be so bad if the guards that are assigned to watch me were allowed to talk. But noooo. Little miss mind reader just had to decide my ability to block her makes me too dangerous to interact with. Like I'm going to hypnotize the guards with my voice into letting me go, if they're allowed to talk to me. Stupid, if only because they wouldn't have to talk back to me for me to do that if I had that ability. Personally I think it's some petty revenge on her part for something I thought. These minders tend to have a problem distinguishing thoughts and spoken words. Meaning all of my effort at curbing what my mouth threw out as a teen gets thrown out the window if she hears it before I can stop myself from saying it.  
  
No one's been in to see me since Mr. Twitchy and Ms. Minder stopped by to ask me who I was and if I wished to see a lawyer. I told them my name and declined the lawyer, something I'm really starting to think was a bad idea since I've been sitting in this cell for a day and a half now, not including however much time I spent unconscious. Damnit the food is horrible here! If I'd known I would be stuck in this cell eating pig slop I'd have gotten in contact with the family lawyers and demanded a better cell. I sigh as I realize that I'm in here because what they'd consider a foolish stunt, and I tend to feel bad about getting them involved in things like this. If I hadn't been guilty it wouldn't be a decision at all, but since I am guilty I'll just tough it out.  
  
At least there's enough room to move around in here, though even I can only practice for so long before I get really, really bored. I reached that point sometime yesterday, and I don't really feel like reaching it again, so I'll save practice for a little later. I don't even have a book for goodness sake. My guard has a data pad that he's reading off of so I can't even try to read the back of whatever he's reading like I could when newspapers were still around. Any longer in this stupid thing and I think I'll just start disappearing and reappearing in random places until someone, anyone, comes and talks to me.  
  
My hopes rise only to crash once more when I realize it's just time to change the guard. Another hour of this and I've had enough. I'm getting out of here. I'd already noticed that the floor and ceiling aren't force barred visibly, though I wonder if that means that they are barred beneath the paneling. Logic tells me that they would be if they felt the need to contain something truly dangerous, but that's the sort of thing that a person would have to put into the main designs before construction even began. Besides it's rather expensive both in installation and maintenance, so I'm guessing they aren't.  
  
I'd already come to this conclusion after the first ten minutes after coming to, but until now I hadn't been bored enough to do anything about it. Looking over at the current jailer I smirk when I notice he isn't paying any attention to me focusing instead on the pad that the previous guard handed him, a draw back of Ms. Minder's no conversation rule. Cupping my palm out of his line of sight I gather up some of my ki, forming it into a searing heat radiating below the infrared spectrum. I can feel it around me so I know it's working. Sitting down on the floor, I place that hand out at my side, and direct the energy out in a circle around me much like a circular window cutter. Satisfied that everything's worked properly I take another moment to make sure the guard is fully engrossed in his reading before acting.  
  
Moving as fast as I can, while still staying this side of the sound barrier, I push down on the now loose panel beneath me, slipping through the hole and putting it back in place with another much faster blast of heat. That out of the way I look around my current location.  
  
There's a prickling in my mind that tells me I'm in danger, but I can't tell why. Just as well really since it means whatever it is might just manage to kill me. Looking around I see that I'm in some sort of a locker room. Probably that of the security force seeing as I'm one level below their jail. I go from locker to locker and sigh when I can't find any that are open. All I really want to do at the moment is change out of his bright, florescent purple jumpsuit that someone stuck me in. Prison issue or some such thing I guess. Since running into someone here would be rather inconvenient I slip into the Umi Sen Ken. Or rather I try to. The Ghost Walk and several of my other stealth techniques meet with similar failure. I forgot that making my ki hot enough to precisely cut through metal is incredibly draining and it'll be another few minutes before I can do much beyond what I can do with my muscles. Not that that isn't impressive in and of itself.  
  
Still I'll probably be okay since the room's empty except for me. There's only the sounds of a shower cutting off to show that anyone's nearby. Suddenly everything clicks into place and all of the little signals I've been getting make sense. My only excuse is that I'm frozen in place as Ms. Minder walks in, a towel draped over her head ... and only her head. As she looks up suddenly with fire in her eyes it occurs to me that I haven't been guarding my thoughts. It's true though. I really have seen better. My last sight before the blackness accepts me once more is that of her hand lashing out towards my face. This is going to hurt.  
  
~~~  
  
I wake up not terribly surprised to find myself back in the cell I've spent the past two days in. It does seem that they are taking me more seriously though, since I now have two guards instead of one. Maybe this time they'll actually speak to me. I sit down on the floor and support my face on my hand, wincing before switching sides. That minder sure packs a good slap. Not for the first time do I think that women will someday be the death of me. I'd be a lot happier about that if I didn't think it would be both incredibly embarrassing and rather painful.  
  
I decide to take a chance on the guards. "Either of you up for a game of chess?" The guards don't even bother responding and the one on the left goes so far as to flip the safety of his weapon off. I sigh. "Just as well is suppose. Never learned how to play chess that well and I doubt either of you know Go." That at least brings a small chuckle from the one on the right, but it is quickly cut off with a glare from the other, more anal, guard. I can tell it's just going to be one of those imprisonments. I really need to stop getting thrown in here. At this rate I'll never make it to that tournament planet-side. Lying back on the ground I look up at the ceiling and notice that there is now a rather comprehensive web of cameras and motion devices as well as what looks like a spectrographic input device. Someone obviously doesn't want me getting away without leaving a huge amount of information on how it was done. I'm really starting to regret coming to this stupid station. I would have been better off going on safari to New Africa and facing off against the telekinetic neosaurs. At least there I might have had a chance at getting killed by a large hyper intelligent predator. But no, I had to come and check out an underground fighting tournament because it happened to be three days closer. I mean I've waited eight hundred years to croak what's another three days.  
  
"You know I really think everything here's gotten blown way out of proportion. I mean sure I probably shouldn't have snuck into the room, but I was curious. Besides no one stopped me and told me I couldn't." Only because no one saw me, but there's no way I'm going to point that out. "In fact I'd probably be buying drinks for all of you guys in the nearest bar telling you all fabulous lies about my adventures if whatever her name is wasn't scared out of her skull because she can't read me. It's like you people resent a person being able to think to himself. I really miss the days when I could think whatever the hell I wanted to without getting slapped because it was true." Because I have seen better, damnit. She's really not my type. Probably hasn't gotten any in years.  
  
"Why I never!"  
  
The indignant female snort cuts through my mental ranting. I throw up a mental shield before I think that 'never' would certainly explain her bitchy attitude towards me. I groan as I look up at her. "Lady, just what does it take for you to get the hint to stay the hell out of my head? I've never met a minder quite as rude as you in all my years of traveling the galaxy. I mean as many times as I've caught you in my head in the past two days you'd think you never spend any time in yours." I deliberately drop my shield. Maybe she's some sort of voyeur that gets her kicks from digging through peoples heads. She starts to blush madly and I know I got her once more.  
  
Oh no! I think she's going to cry. Why in all hells do these things always happen to me? Not having found an answer in eight hundred years I do what I've always done in situations like this. Bang my head into the nearest flat surface, in this case the floor. I guess its something of a survival instinct. Not to keep me alive, but rather one that keeps me sane, because you'd think that after all this time I'd figure out that I'll never figure out women.  
  
"Lieutenant, why is the prisoner banging his head into the floor of my cell?" Someone up there hates me. I know it's rather self centered of me, but it's the only explanation for why my life sucks as much as it does. I mean to fully explain my life some kami must be devoting all of his or her time to seeing that any of my prayers that gets fulfilled is done so at times and in ways that make me reflect on the great ironies in my life. Of course Mr. Twitchy comes in now when I'm thoroughly sick of the company I've gotten. Yes, my life sucks.  
  
"Can I leave now? Or are you going to cancel my reservations at the hotel I was going to be staying at?" For a brief moment that rather pushy desk clerk comes to mind and I'm glad that I didn't have to put up with her attempts to hop in the sack with me. It would have been way too complicated.  
  
He glares at me. "We're going to continue to keep you here until we find out just who you really are. First you pick a fight in customs, then get into a restricted are, escape from our jail, assault one of our employees, and to top it all off we discover you're traveling under a false identity. So, no, I don't see you leaving this place for the foreseeable future."  
  
It does make sense when he says it like that though the assault thing is kind of iffy since I didn't actually do anything before she slapped me. But I have one part I'm slightly confused about. "A false identity? Where are you getting that from?" I wonder if I got my passport switched with someone by accident. I can't remember anything like that happening since I got to the station but it's all to possible. It would so fit with the way things have been going if I'd been in here so long because I have some guy's wallet instead of my own. Of course he wouldn't be going through all this shit. No, he's probably just gotten his replaced if he's even noticed at all.  
  
He's glaring at me now for some reason. "As if you didn't know. Your identity card is quite possibly the best forgery my people have ever seen. In fact if it weren't for the preposterous information on it they would swear blind it was real." A slow feeling of dread starts to fill me as he continues. "Just how gullible do you think we are? If even half of what is on that card were true you'd have to be over four hundred years old. You really expect us to believe you're eight? Give us some credit ... and will you please stop banging your head into my floor?  
  
I stop and my head snaps up. He takes an involuntary step backwards which gratifies me since that is the effect I was going for. Actually I was kind of hoping he'd burst into flames but stepping back is an acceptable substitute. "You didn't even bother to check if it were true, did you? In this modern era you assumed it was false without even contacting anyone." I put as much scorn into my voice as I can, showing clearly just how contemptible I find his actions. He opens his mouth and I cut him off with a wave of my hand. "Don't try to deny it. Doing so now would only make you a lying, incompetent fool instead of just an incompetent fool. Now that I know the reason I've been here for two days I wish to contact the people who handle my legal affairs."  
  
He frowns. "You said you didn't have a lawyer when we asked you before."  
  
I wave my hand again. "I don't bother them with trivial things." Left unspoken is the fact that I just spent two days in a cell because I thought it was something trivial. "If I'd known why I was here I would have been out of here an hour after waking up. I do hope you have some money saved up. There's the feeling of job insecurity in the air." For the first time in a while, I'm the one in the position of power even if he doesn't know it yet. Confident that I'll be out soon, I lean back, cross my arms over my chest, and assume the smirk that so long ago was my trademark. It comes back surprisingly easily despite seeing limited use in the past couple of centuries. "If I were you I'd be looking into damage control while you check on my passport's authenticity."  
  
I turn towards the minder who at the moment is staring at me with the same incredulous glare that everyone else is and drop my shield. I focus on the years of my youth, of living in a time period when mankind had yet to travel to the stars and had in fact only reached the moon a half century previous. She gasps when I cut her out once more, but I'm satisfied that she realizes that at least some of the things on my passport are accurate.  
  
From then on I ignore everyone's questions and stares and decide to try that ball thing I did before now that I feel confident enough in my control of the current situation. I'm still a little drained from earlier, but then I'm not planning on showing off like I was with 'Ucchan.' Thinking of her makes me wonder just what I'm going to do about the promise I made to train her in the Art. I push that aside for later thought. Right now I'm more concerned about whether or not I can get it so that my hands will automatically direct the ball's movements much like they would a real one. Before it was mostly a case of moving them with my will. Which I'll admit is all well and good but limits what else I can do. Besides it's damn tiring.  
  
If everything works out I could get a magic act going again if I can do it easily. Multiplying juggling balls, the old disappearing acts, and the replacing the magician with his lovely assistant which is always a crowd favorite. Especially among the guys despite this supposedly being a more enlightened age. Still with all the technologies people tend to brush everything off as some new device. Even my somewhat famous, nothing up my sleeve not even an arm, trick which to this day hasn't been duplicated except by one guy who got caught trying to do so with a chameleon sleeve. I promptly held a press conference, did the trick again, and laughed my ass off at the poser.  
  
"Sir?"  
  
I look up, catching the balls of ki in my right hand and squeeze them until they wink out of existence. It's a guard I've never seen before. I suppose the absences of Mr. Twitchy and Ms. Minder could be considered an insult but by now I'd rather not see them for a while. "Yes?"  
  
"If you'll come with me, we can get you set up with an ansible so you can contact your lawyer." Getting a nod from me he deactivates the force shield that's been keeping me locked up and the low level throbbing in my head goes away. Of course I only notice it now that it gone, but it would explain why I've been so irritable lately. Well, that and being in jail for two days.  
  
The ansible room is like most of the others I've seen in other jails, several monitors facing chairs as well as a clear guard booth that should be, and is, sound proofed acting as an entry gate. My guard skims through the instructions. Just about everyone knows how to use an ansible like this one, and I tune him out.  
  
Sitting down in one of the chairs I rattle off the number to the Hibiki clan's main offices on Wendigo.  
  
"Clan Hibiki, how may I help you today?" Again I've managed to run into the same receptionist as I always do. I'd think she were an AI except that she's slowly aged in the past twenty years. Besides I know that clan doesn't employ any AI's outside of the records and history departments. "Oh, Mr. Saotome! It's been a while since you've called. How are you today?"  
  
"I've been better, Janet. I'd love to talk some more, but I really need to get a hold of someone in the legal department."  
  
I think she notices my state of dress for the first time because her eyes widen until they seem to take up most of her face. "Of course, right away. I'm going to put you on hold but you'll be off as soon as I find someone who can talk to you even if I have to drag someone down here to do it."  
  
"Thanks. I appreciate it." I really do. Janet's a nice girl who always has nice things to say about and to everyone. I've never known her to say something she doesn't mean either so her reassurance that she'll get me someone to talk to in legal is worth it's weight in just about anything I can name off the top of my head. The screen blanks and I chuckle as an animated black piglet, complete with bandana, scampers on one side of the screen and off another. P-Chan's the clan's business mascot; he has been ever since the family got me really drunk one time and got me to tell them the complete history of my time in Nerima. It's a good thing that Ryoga was cremated, or he'd be rolling in his grave. Just thinking about his possible reaction is enough to end me into a laughing fit.  
  
"Uncle Ranma! What are you doing in the jail of the Kantars Space Station?" I wonder how Kamura knows where I am but shrug it off. He probably just had someone trace the call. Not that hard to do with ansibles since the origin is tacked onto the front of every call.  
  
"Hi Kamura. Congratulations, I heard you're the head of the legal department now." He looks older than I remember, but they always do. It's one of the reasons I hate living forever.  
  
He rolls his eyes. "Thank you, even though that happened several years ago. You'd have been able to say that earlier if you called more often." I chuckle and one of my hands finds it's way behind my head in embarrassment. Has it really been that long? "Still, tell me why you're in jail. I know it's happened before, but you normally insist on getting yourself out. This change puzzles me. Fill me in." I do and watch his face go from a curious expression to one of utter fury in the process. Not for the first time I wonder how it is that all of the Hibiki's with a temper either end up in the legal department or security. I mean security people I understand, but lawyers give me the creeps sometimes. Like right now. I interrupt when he starts to mention sending in armed cruisers and boarding parties.  
  
"While that might be both highly satisfying as well as amusing, I think resolving this peacefully would be better for the clan's reputation."  
  
He starts to pout, and while it might work if he were one of his younger, female relations coming from a sixty year old man makes it look more than slightly ridiculous. "How about we send in one cruiser?"  
  
"No." I firm my resolve because I've always found it difficult not to spoil all of the Hibiki's I get to know. This time I'm benefited by the fact that the clan's cruisers are about half the stations size and heavily armed, which does nothing to mention the battalion of marines that would be onboard.  
  
"Fine. We'll get everything sorted out soon. Probably within the hour. Everyone in the department will be fighting over having a hand in this one."  
  
"Am I that popular?" I hadn't any idea.  
  
"No, we're all just that bored. Contract disputes are so boring." There is a pause. "Uncle Ranma?"  
  
Picking myself off of the floor I shrug. "Surprised me. Maybe I'll get thrown in jail more often then. You know, just to give all of the people in legal something to do."  
  
Kamura completely misses the sarcasm in my voice. "Please do! You don't call nearly enough."  
  
Something else is tickling the back of my brain. "Oh yeah! I need you to update the Omega files for me. I managed to find and destroy another transnucleic null space modifier so there should only be one or two more of the things wandering around. Could you look it up for me so I can find out the exact number the next time I call?"  
  
"Okay, I'll do that." The Hibiki's have all stopped asking me questions about the Omega files, not because they're classified but rather because it's hard for them to get to sleep after I answer them. Now people just tend to look through them if they're curious or when I ask them to. No major harm done that way because I have coded the information that's really dangerous behind some of the best security that the clan can buy. They're really helpful that way since things that threaten planetary, system, and galactic security and safety are best kept track of by someone who won't go and use them to kill everyone off. I mean, why would the clan want to take over the galaxy since we make a great deal of money moving people and objects from place to place? "Before you go I think you should record a message for the family."  
  
I sigh. "Okay. Ready?" Getting a nod I say hello to everyone that I can remember and promise to talk to the family historians more often. They're pretty obsessive about me for some reason and I suspect that they'll take the recording of this conversation and throw it into their Ranma archive along with the one with Janet. Saying goodbye I hang up and knock on the clear barrier to be taken back to my cell.  
  
~~~  
  
"My life closed twice before its close-- It yet remains to see If Immortality unveil A third event to me  
  
So huge, so hopeless to conceive As these that twice befell. Parting is all we know of heaven, And all we need of hell."  
  
--Emily Dickinson 


	3. Chapter 3

All We Know of Heaven A Ranma ½ Fanfiction By Prospero Hibiki The Grandmaster Mongoose God of Misdirection, Caffeine, and Those Socks You Lost Last Tuesday Hail Eris! Hail Discordia! Hail Kallisti!  
  
hell_frost@hotmail.com  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
Were I anything but a poor college student I would ... well I don't know what would happen since I doubt that this situation will change in the foreseeable future except if I fail out of said college. As it is I'm not making any money off of these characters and any character that you don't recognize from Takahashi Rumiko's Ranma ½ series is mine. And the truly sad thing is I'm not even making money off of them. Also the use of the poem "My Life Closed Twice Before Its Close" by Emily Dickinson is being used without permission though it is being credited and used in its original unedited form.  
  
And So It Begins  
  
***  
  
Chapter 3:  
  
As I walk down the corridor towards the hotel room I'd booked before this mess got started I can't help but whistle. Kamura was wrong of course. I suspected he would be since we were dealing with bureaucracy and even with all the power that the clan has there was no way he'd have been able to get me out of there in less than an hour. Still, one and one half wasn't bad.  
  
It occurs to me now that I really don't need to head to my hotel room at the moment. In fact there's no reason for me to do so at all since all that would happen there is me getting bored out of my skull. But where exactly can I go?  
  
I stop in place in the middle of the corridor. How could I be so stupid? I still hadn't found out anything about this supposed fighting tournament on the planet. Which of course makes my next destination obvious. The nearest equivalent of a fighting gym. Which, of course, would be the security officer's training facilities. Damn. They're not exactly going to be that helpful at the moment. I mean I probably just blew the careers of several of them out the nearest airlock. It's not like I'll be able to just walk in there and ask to spar for a few rounds and eventually work my way around to fighting tournaments I've been in.  
  
No I need some other type of plan. Something subtle. Something sneaky. Something that...  
  
...Involves strangling any and all people that insist on walking around space stations with open containers of drinks. Damn, now I'm going to have to go and find some hot water and change back before I run into anyone. It's a real pain getting hit on by guys who tend to think more with the wrong head. I mean, sure, I know I'm drop dead gorgeous, but some guys just don't get the fact that I'm not interested them until I start hitting on some nearby girl. Hell, more than once I've had a guy say that he knew exactly what I needed to change my mind. Heh, they almost lose it too when I introduce them to my knee.  
  
Sometimes it strikes me that I don't look nearly hard enough before discarding a plan. I mean, I could probably walk into the gym and get all sorts of information. After all none of the security force had seen me as a woman. Making sure no one is watching I pull out the identity card that security had taken from him. They'd looked at it constantly for two days trying to prove it was a forgery, useless because it was, in fact, authentic. However they didn't look for the embedded codes that were contained within to change the ID from male to female with the appropriate, and accurate, statistics. Instantly my legitimate ID of Ranma Saotome switched to that of Ranko Hibiki. Not that I like the first name particularly, but it's close enough to my own that I respond naturally to it. Besides it's familiar.  
  
Still I'm going to have to get a change of clothes. Walking in there wearing the same things as before would be just plain stupid. Of course that means that I'll have to do something that I truly and utterly detest. Shopping. Normally I'd just wouldn't care what I was wearing. Hell I can't even remember what the current sizing system is for women's clothes.  
  
I head over to the main shopping area of the station and spot several clothing shops right away, but I just can't bring myself to go in. I'm not scared, no not me! It's just that I'm really not in the mood for clothes shopping. First off I haven't had enough to drink, and lastly...the clothes I can see in the displays are hideous. They would so not go with my hair and would make someone with my bust size look like a total slut. Backing away from the store slightly I bump into someone.  
  
"Whoa there, miss. You should really watch where you're going." Oh sweet kami above, it's Mr. Twitchy. Without even thinking about it I'm off with a start and dart into the nearest shop before I can realize it.  
  
"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" It wasn't like he could have recognized me, being as how I was about six inches shorter, red-haired, and above all else FEMALE. Hell, I probably made him more suspicious of me by running from him than I did by bumping into him. Still since he hasn't followed me into this store I'm probably in the clear.  
  
"Excuse me, miss, I'm afraid that if you aren't going to buy anything, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." It's all I can do to prevent my fist from going through this salesman's head. Not that I've never gotten this reaction before, it's just that the attitude of shopkeepers like him really piss me off something fierce. For the first time since popping into this store I take a look around. Hmmm, seems like a fairly high end electronics shop. The kind that sells things to people for about a year's worth of Mr. Twitchy's salary. I grin evilly as I also recall that these places tend to pay their employees on a commission scale. Sure enough there in the back there is another guy that doesn't seem to give off as many 'smarmy' vibes as this guy is.  
  
Ignoring the oil soaked weasel that first approached me I make my way to the second employee. He seems rather startled by this, both of them do really, but recovers quickly and courteously asks what he can do for me today in a tone voice that totally lacks all the traces of condescension that the other guy had in his.  
  
Almost instinctively I change my mannerisms to that of a slightly eccentric millionaire. "I don't know, really. I just got this sudden urge to replace some of the things I've lost over the years. It's been ages since I bought a new computer." Oddly enough it's true, my last computer having been lost in a an asteroid collision several decades before. He nods and directs me over to one of the walls where several computers are lined up. I glance at them for a second before I turn back. "They're nice I suppose, but I was looking for something a little more...high end."  
  
"I assure you ma'am that these would be more than enough to do just about anything you need them for."  
  
I pretend to act surprised for a moment. "Oh, then these all have built in remote ansible access, can correlate all my finances throughout all six hundred of the systems I have substantial interests in and the several thousand minor ones, weigh so little that I will occasionally forget I have it, as well as containing a visual interface that I can wear and still look stylish?" I pretend to look at the display a little closer only to be subtly directed to the back office with a nice couch where I'm served some refreshments while a holographic interface kicks in to show me the truly top of the line merchandise.  
  
After almost an hour of customizing a highly comprehensive system that has everything I'd mentioned earlier plus things I hadn't even imagined like a powerful holographic display system and several other highly specialized functions. The visual interface actually turned out to be a rather cool pair of nose hugging sunglasses, something which had come back into style after several disappearances over the centuries. All this in a small package that was the size of, and looked like, a watch. He was quite apologetic about it too, saying that it was the holograph that pushed the size up that high. I waved off his concerns, since it was still the smallest computer I'd ever owned as well as being more powerful than all the others combined. Heck, it even had it's own mini-AI to distribute its resources to where they needed to be at anytime.  
  
As I walked out of the store I vaguely noticed that first employee banging his head into a wall at screwing up so badly. Just the commission on my new toy was more than he would probably make in the next five years, and I'd thrown in quite the generous tip. The young man who'd helped me was making comments on how he was thinking of buying the store outright so I could have been wrong on that.  
  
Having spent more money in the last hour than I had in the past decade I'm more than ready to face the horrors that is shopping for women's clothing. Or at least I hope so. I doubt I'll ever truly be ready to do this, but it needs to be done sometime.  
  
"Hello what can I do for you today, miss?" At least this saleslady knows enough not to shove me into the things that she thinks I should wear like so many others I've run into over the years.  
  
"I'm looking for something similar to a good sturdy jumpsuit that can accommodated sudden and rapid size and shape change without constricting or being destroyed. Still I don't want to be totally utilitarian, so maybe something in a nice green that's fairly skin tight." Hey 'if you've got it flaunt it' is a creed that's practically universal throughout the galaxy.  
  
For some strange reason the lady is backing away from me like I've got a plague. With my luck she probably thinks I'm some sort of morphing alien that is seeking to infiltrate the human race. I still want service so I tell her the truth, that I fight a lot, and need something that meets all the previous requirements or it will never withstand one of my fights. She only seems partially mollified.  
  
I'm being shown rack after rack of items when suddenly something catches the corner of my eye. I head over there despite the protestations of the clerk that the articles over here are being made by a company that is going out of business soon.  
  
I hold up what seems to be a rather simple piece of cloth that is about one foot by four feet. "What is this?" She stammers for a bit before I eventually get her to admit that it's supposed to be some sort of alternative to wearing a bra. Curious I ask how it is supposed to work.  
  
"It's supposed to be made out of some sort of intelligent fabric that can tighten itself automatically to support the wearer as well as keep itself clean. There aren't any fasteners as you've probably noticed and it just attaches to itself. Most of our customers that have bought them say that it breathes really well as if they weren't wearing it at all. I guess it fits your criteria of accommodating size changes. Still I don't see how you could want to wear it because it's so against the current style. We haven't gotten any repeat customers at all for this product."  
  
I just stare at her in horror, but it probably doesn't reach her with my shades covering my eyes. I wonder how much business the people in this store have missed because their clerks are more concerned with the current style than selling a superior product. Wait a second... "Did you say that this company is going out of business?" I twitch my hand slightly to wake up my computer and quickly call up the relevant information on the company in question. Sure enough they are going bankrupt. When I try to find out why the answer comes back almost immediately thanks to the business functions that I selected as software options. Seems that the company was started up by a group of scientists and researchers after developing this wonder fabric of theirs. Apparently the other clothing manufacturers laughed at them for some reason...oh it says that there was an incident between the lead researcher and the head of another corporation's daughter. From what I can tell, he got them all blacklisted at the other companies. Still they tried to do it themselves but after being blacklisted they were also given bad reviews by all the fashion gurus. Probably another manipulation.  
  
It's kind of sad really. Looking through the rest of the selection by the company, if find that quite a few of the articles could be classified as the best looking clothing I've ever seen. And if they all use that fabric of theirs then they'd definitely be worth the price of buying them. Still it's not like I can actually do anything to help them. Sure, I could bail them out financially, but if their product doesn't sell all over the galaxy what would be the point? They'd just crash again. It occurs to me suddenly that I might be able to pull it off with some help.  
  
An ansible call later and I'm talking to Janet once more. "Hey, Janet. Do you think you could do something for me?"  
  
"Sure Uncle Ranma. What do you need?" She's as cheerful as ever which is one of the reasons she's decided to stay with reception all this while.  
  
I blink a little bit as well. "You know that sounds really weird when I'm like this, don't you Janet? Never mind. I need you to get a hold of the financial people at the company for me. I'm going to be having some serious work for them soon. First, I need them to bail out," I look down at the label of the clothing in my hand, "StarDust clothing manufacturing. Have them do whatever needs to be done to keep these people afloat. They're making some of the best clothing I've ever seen and you can imagine just how good that must be." Seeing her nod I move on to my second point. "I also need you to send out a clan memo." Her eyes widen at this as I suspected they would. Clan memos go out to every person both in the clan or working for the clan and while they aren't all that uncommon, me choosing to send one out is. The last time it happened the clan absolutely refused to transport members of a totalitarian government that had killed some people that I'd come to like. "Every member of the clan is authorized to purchase two outfits of their choice at my expense as long as they are made by StarDust." There are choking sounds coming from over the ansible connection so it seems that other people are listening in to the conversation. I can understand it really, since the clan includes almost half a billion people. I figure that should do quite a bit towards giving StarDust the boost it needs. But will it be enough? "Hmmm, I think we should also send a memo to the public relations people and see if they can come up with a subtle way of spreading the word about the company. Heck, it'd probably be a good idea to send another memo to our fashion people and see about getting a uniform contract set up with them. Yeah, that sounds like it'd work." I grin knowing that the input device of my glasses will be displaying my entire face. "Do you have everything Janet?"  
  
Janet nods warily. "I think so. Besides you know that we record all your conversations so we can always just review it." I grin again. "I'll just send everything off to the relevant people." She looks down at her terminal for a second. "We are curious though where you are calling from."  
  
"Oh, I decided to splurge today and bought a new computer with remote ansible access. You can file this number away for everyone as my current access number if anyone wants to reach me. Ja ne, Janet."  
  
"Ja ne, Uncle Ranma."  
  
I turn to the sales lady once more and chuckle slightly at the shocked expression on her face. "What? Was it something I said?" Not getting a response I shrug and start picking out clothes. A green jumpsuit will be a good choice especially if I put this black vest over it. Hey, that might work. Maybe I could get a reversible vest. Yeah, that'd be good. This way I only have to turn the vest inside out and no one would suspect me when I change genders. Hmmmm, the green is out then. I guess it is going to be blue. Yes, the white of the other side of the vest goes much better with the blue jumpsuit than it does with the green. Still I really like the green... "I cannot decide, I must have them both!"  
  
Damn, now I remember why I don't like to shop very often. I shudder a little bit and just start to grab items left and right so I can get out of here quickly. My arms are full when I notice that I've managed to leave the green one behind and I quickly add it to the pile. I'm virtually bouncing in impatience hoping that I can get out of here before I see anything else that I want to buy. She tells me the price and I practically shove my ID at her so she can ring all this up. Once she's finished I grab my bags and ID and get the hell out of this store. I'm safely out before I realize that I'm going to need some luggage if I'm going to take all this stuff with me when I leave this station. I mentally shrug and, after making sure no one is looking at me, toss most of my bags into stuffspace. With a bag in each hand I make my way back to the hotel room so I can change into some of my new clothing. Besides carrying anything in stuffspace for an extended period of time is tiring.  
  
~~~  
  
I leave my hotel room in my new blue jumpsuit and white vest and receive yet another glare by the girl on duty at the front desk. This is of course the same girl that I thought was going to break into my room in the middle of the night. Now she probably thinks that I hooked up with myself, which would explain both why I haven't shown up since checking in and why some woman is showing up in my clothes and going up to my hotel room. I wonder if attracting jealous women is yet another curse I managed to pick up someplace. With my luck it probably is.  
  
Still, I'm finally ready to head to the gym. Walking the corridors I start to think about 'Ucchan,' the little girl that I kept from imploding herself. I said I'd teach her how to use her ki, but that's probably all out the window now that the security people have taken custody of her. She's probably better off though with them than she would be with me. I don't exactly live a very safe life, the understatement of the century considering that I literally have a death wish.  
  
~~~  
  
"My life closed twice before its close-- It yet remains to see If Immortality unveil A third event to me  
  
So huge, so hopeless to conceive As these that twice befell. Parting is all we know of heaven, And all we need of hell."  
  
--Emily Dickinson 


	4. Chapter 4

All We Know of Heaven

A Ranma ½ Fanfiction

By Prospero Hibiki

The Grandmaster Mongoose

God of Misdirection, Caffeine, and Those Socks You Lost Last Tuesday

Hail Eris! Hail Discordia! Hail Kallisti!

.com

hell_

Disclaimer:

Were I anything but a poor Navy guy I would ... well I don't know what would happen since I doubt that this situation will change in the foreseeable future. As it is I'm not making any money off of these characters and any character that you don't recognize from Takahashi Rumiko's Ranma ½ series is mine. And the truly sad thing is I'm not even making money off of them. Also the use of the poem "My Life Closed Twice Before Its Close" by Emily Dickinson is being used without permission though it is being credited and used in its original unedited form.

And So It Begins

o.o

Chapter 4:

The gym is a lot like all the others of its type I've seen over the years. The many years. Well almost all the others. The one on Sullust was a bit different even if it was only due to the whole four dimensional battle training going on there. Those Sullustians really know their physics you know. Either that or they just make it up as they go along. I haven't decided yet which it is and I've been on the Sullustian Lists of Honor for well over two centuries now. Though the only thing that gets me are groups of random assassins jumping out of shadows and attacking me when I'm on my own. So it's great!

Hmmm, I am probably due for an attack by the Order of Absurdly Long Monikers any week now if I'm doing my math correctly. While I'm thinking about it I better note that down in my planner. I'm going to want to be in the most dangerous place I can be in when that happens so the chances of kicking the proverbial bucket goes up. I could always try to manipulate it so that I get chased to Aegir or Njord. It might work because they'd never think I'd deliberately run to an ocean world so they could use their highly refined underwater battle tactics against me. The really tough decision would be choosing between the two planets. Aegir of course has its oceans populated by electrically charged squid like creatures whereas Njord has those razor sharp demon shrimp. Decisions, decisions.

But looking about the gym I get the usual glares for being an outsider as well as the usual admiring glances from both the men and the women currently training inside. The women I don't have a problem with, but despite currently being female I truly have no interest in the guys. May Eris never let that change. As I think the reflexive prayer I instinctively make the accompanying hand motion. Sadly none of the people in the room seem to be mortally offended. My usual method of introductions is probably my best bet here. Anything Goes School of Polite Conversation has never really failed me yet.

"So I hear the lot of you weaklings got your hides handed to you by some thousand year old geezer that probably has two fake hips and a uses a walker." Instantly the animosity of the room skyrockets. Perfect.

Yeah, the Anything Goes School of Polite Conversation hasn't failed me yet. If only because I've never really used it before. I mean, honestly, that crap's hard!

It looks like a few of the more belligerent of the security officers are about to pick a fight with me when they're cut off by a voice that seems slightly familiar. "Stand down, or I'll have you all drawn up on charges." Looking behind me to the open doors to the hall I see two people that I hadn't exactly expected to see. Lt. Laura Max and the little girl I'd named Ucchan. Small world. Or station. Whatever. There was a general grumbling from the people in the gym, not all of it from the people who belonged there, and they all went back to what they were doing. Drats.

I'm getting glared at by Lt. Max as she starts to lay into for provoking a fight with trained security personnel. Well at least that's what I think she's talking about. I'm only catching ever tenth word or so my computer having started to play some songs that I'd downloaded from my personal archives on Wendigo. After a few minutes of this she starts to trail off and her glare intensifies. "You haven't been listening to me at all have you?"

Now why did she have to go and ask that? It's one of those unanswerable questions. I mean if I say I have been listening to her she'll not believe me and I'm in trouble. If I say she's right and that I haven't, she's going to get mad and hit me. No win situation here. Sighing I decide to use the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts Conversation Desperation Attack. It's risky and occasionally causes more problems than it solves. But the truth is it does always get me out of these impossible questions I get asked by women.

Quickly before I can change my mind I grab her by the shoulders and shift my weight as if to prepare for a throw. As I knew she would she instinctively shifts her own weight so that she would land in the best position possible and then counterattack. It was the correct move. Or rather it would have been if a throw had been my intention in the first place. It hadn't been and therefore it was in fact the wrong move and one that played directly into my hands.

The next thing that she knows is that she is engaged in quite possibly one of the steamiest kisses to ever occur this side of Alpha Centari. I know I once won that title and held it for over one hundred years until I had to defend the title while I had a cold. Stupid Zimanto cold virus.

It's after several minutes of liplock that I notice several things. One is the total and absolute quiet of the gymnasium. The second is the rising confusion as Laura recovers from the initial stages of the kiss. Thirdly is the somewhat pleasurable sensation in my own breasts as I am pressed up against her body. The last thing I notice is that I've forgotten one very small factor that might affect how the rest of this situation plays out. I'm still currently female.

Well bugger.

As I expected it would, confusion is quickly replaced by a building rage from the woman in front of me. Grabbing her by the hand and scooping up the somewhat shocked Ucchan under my arm I dart into the hallway and down several side passages until I spot a small restaurant that looks like it serves some form of pasta dish. I blink in surprise that it takes me as long as it does to recognize it as ramen. "Huh, imagine that." The somewhat loud click and hum that occurs immediately behind my head pulls my attention back to the matters at hand.

"You have exactly thirty seconds to provide an explanation of your actions before I ruin the walls of this poor man's shop with an abstract art piece."

Blinking I slowly turn around. There's a fire in her eyes that I find extremely attractive at the moment. I take a few moments to really look at her for the first time. She's only slightly shorter than what seems to be the local average which still puts her three inches taller than me in my current form. Aside from a single streak of neon orange, odd hair colors being something that has actually became genetic among humans because of shielding problems on the first interstellar colony ships, she has somewhat wavy brown hair that reaches down to just past her shoulder blades. All in all she wasn't the most attractive woman I'd ever seen but she did come fairly close, and being number twenty seven of a list of several billion wasn't anything to sneeze at.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts a bit and realized that I was rapidly losing time to explain myself. With a flick of my wrist I pulled two items out of my personal stuffspace. The first was a ten page report that gave the highpoints of my life in a nicely bulleted and easy to understand format. The second was the several thousand page hardcover book that contained the expanded version of that same history. While I mentally repressed the fact that the cover was inscribed with the notation of one of twenty I also firmly prevented the thought that the series hadn't been updated in ninety years from crossing my mind. "I recommend the short version."

Laura blinked, and did what has usually seemed to become the standard reaction to me doing something so far out of the ordinary that it defies the laws of physics as they know it. She faints. Rats. I was hoping that wouldn't happen this time.

o.o

An hour after Lt. Max mentally left the building she finally starts to move around in that way people normally do when they're waking up from a faint. Well I suppose a quick knife blade chop to any potential attacker's neck is normal. I mean it's how I usually react after a period of unconsciousness. Maybe other people have different reactions. Fortunately for all involved, Laura is in fact several yards away from where Ucchan and I are getting to know one another.

Ucchan is in fact a young girl by the name of Rebecca Wainright. I was mostly correct when I'd made my guess about an accident. She'd actually been present when the accident had set off an explosion inside the hull of her parents' workshop. They'd been inventors who were more than slightly absentminded and had taken to giving her broken tools instead of toys. Not out of any sort of malice but because they really didn't see a difference. And neither did she. Ucchan, she'd given me permission to continue to call her that, was scarily smart. We're talking future Einstein smart here. She also seemed kind of chatty, though I was aware that wasn't always the case. She told me so herself and also commented that she'd only really talked to Laura and I since the accident over a month before. I figured she was due for a pretty good babble.

"Who the hell are you and what do you want with me?" Great she's all tensed up ready to fight to the death. Odds are she's not going to pay attention to anything I actually say at this point and I'm somehow going to initiate a blood feud between her entire galaxy spanning family that will eventually lead to my death on some dark lonely planet while a full orchestra plays a mournful death dirge. I mentally shake myself. There really is no connection between my life and the opera _Immortal Stallion of Space_. Really.

I idly wonder what would happen if I chuck all logical thought out the window and just tell her the truth. It's crazy. Irresponsible. Foolhardy. Only someone completely insane would even consider the possibility.

"You won't believe me but this is the absolute truth. I was born Ranma Saotome over eight hundred and fifty years ago. When I was about sixteen I fell into a magical pool of water that made it so that whenever I get splashed with cold water I turn into the woman you see before you. Hot water turns me back into a guy. Not all that long after that my fiancée was killed by some street thug and when I came out of the daze I went into because of it most of my friends had disappeared. That's when I found out that I can't seem to manage to die. So I've spent the last eight centuries traveling the galaxy trying to find something that can manage to kill me. Needless to say I haven't been successful." Meh, sanity is overrated anyway.

o.o

"My life closed twice before its close--

It yet remains to see

If Immortality unveil

A third event to me

So huge, so hopeless to conceive

As these that twice befell.

Parting is all we know of heaven,

And all we need of hell."

--Emily Dickinson


End file.
